||"COMMUNITY" BIKES, CARS,
CLOTHES, HOUSES, TRAILERS,
FOOD, CLOTHING & SHELTER
ARE A BAD IDEA.
Please send in humor and jokes from a libertarian point of view.
||Support the "POLITICAL HUMOR PROJECT" and fund education about government and liberty.|
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE
One afternoon the socialist leader of country that no longer exists was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Pretending to be disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the socialist said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the socialist replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the socialist answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the socialist and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The socialist replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"
A lobbyist for republican-socialists was trying to increase the size of government but couldn’t obtain the vote of a needed legislator because that legislator would only increase government for a lobbyist for democrat-socialists.
One day the republican went to the lobby where the democrat would ask the legislator for more government, and the republican lobbyist stood on a nearby balcony and yelled to the democrat lobbyist “Hey, you can’t suck that legislator’s dick like that out here!”
Well the democrat looked up and said “What are you talking about?” and the republican said “Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake.”
The next day, the republican went to the lobby where the democrat would ask the legislator for more government, and the republican stood on a nearby balcony and yelled “Hey, you can’t suck that legislator’s dick like that out here!”
Again, the democrat looked up and said “What are you talking about?” and the republican said “Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake.”
Well, on the third day the democrat saw the republican lobbyist about to go up to the balcony, and the democrat said “Why do you keep yelling out that I am sucking my legislator’s dick?” The republican said “I’m sorry, but from up there it really looks like you are sucking his dick. You should go up and see.” So the democrat went up to the balcony and yelled to the republican “Hey, you are right, it really does look like you are sucking his dick!!!!!”
The republican did not respond.
I took my children out of public schools because of religious differences. Public schools think they are God and I don't.
Some politicians are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
D.C. is the insane asylum for the U.S.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I attended government schools; do you want fries with that?
Did you here about the cemetery tour to graves of famous politicians so that victims can relieve themselves upon the mounds? One tourist remarked about a still undead politician “When that slimebag finally receives his involuntary transfer to a warmer clime, they'd better bury him in an unmarked and unknown grave -- I know too many people who want to christen it. I've got first dibs.”
Q: What is the ideal weight of a politician?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
HOW ONE SLEEPS
Q: How does a politician or reporter sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
AFTER THEY DIE
Q: What do politicians & reporters do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Q: What's the difference between politicians and potholes?
A: People don't usually run over the same pothole more than once.
Q: How do you know when your government is becoming a police state?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of politicians on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future journalist?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
As the politician slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doc?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Q: What do you call a politician with an IQ of 50?
ONE EVERY HOUR
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of politicians? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: What's the difference between a politician and a vulture?
A: The politician gets frequent flyer miles.
STOPPING A BUS
Q: How many politicians does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
A man took a trip out west after another harrowing election season. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Politicians are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up, "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
Q: Why does California have the most politicians in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.
CROSSING THE ROAD
Q: Why did the journalist cross the road?
A: He saw a politician on the other side.
Q: Why don't hyenas eat politicians?
A: Even hyenas has some dignity.
Q. What's the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
TAKING IT WITH YOU
A stingy old politician who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old socialist finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan—when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased politician's wife was up in the attic cleaning and found the two pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Q: What's the difference between a dead armadillo in the road and a dead politician in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the armadillo.
How are an apple and politicians alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
If a republican-socialist and an democrat-socialist were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
What do you call 25 republican-socialists and democrat-socialists buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
What do you call skydiving republican-socialists and democrat-socialists?
What do you throw to a drowning politician?
What's brown and looks really good on a campaigning democrat-socialist or republican-socialist? A Doberman.
What's the difference between a republican-socialists, a democrat-socialist and a mosquito?
One is an insect, the other two are blood-sucking parasites.
A politician was seated next to Little Rex on the plane when the politician turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Rex, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the politician, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about national identification?" "OK," said Little Rex. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the politician. "I have no idea."
"Well!," said Little Rex, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss national identification,
-when you don't know shit?"
A lobbyist for democrat-socialists was trying to increase the size of government but couldn’t obtain the vote of a needed legislator because that legislator would only increase government for a lobbyist for republican-socialists.
One day the democrat went to the lobby where the republican would ask the legislator for more government, and the democrat lobbyist stood on a nearby balcony and yelled to the republican lobbyist “Hey, you can’t suck that legislator’s dick like that out here!”
Well the republican looked up and said “What are you talking about?” and the democrat said “Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake.”
The next day, the democrat went to the lobby where the republican would ask the legislator for more government, and the democrat stood on a nearby balcony and yelled “Hey, you can’t suck that legislator’s dick like that out here!”
Again, the republican looked up and said “What are you talking about?” and the democrat said “Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake.”
Well, on the third day the republican saw the democrat lobbyist about to go up to the balcony, and the republican said “Why do you keep yelling out that I am sucking my legislator’s dick?” The democrat said “I’m sorry, but from up there it really looks like you are sucking his dick. You should go up and see.” So the republican went up to the balcony and yelled to the democrat “Hey, you are right, it really does look like you are sucking his dick!!!!!”
The democrat did not respond.
A bureaucrat from a government agency to protect children decides to investigate horse back riding even though the bureaucrat has no prior experience or lessons and will plunge ahead unassisted. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the bureaucrat begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager, runs out to shut the horse off.
RIDICULE IS A GREAT WEAPON
You can lead a reporter to a story, but you can't make him think.
"Why is television (or the print media) called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well-done."
What is black and white and red all over? your daily newspaper.
Q: What is the definition of an politician?
A: Someone who claims to solve a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't
Q: What is the definition of an journalist?
A: Someone who writes about a politician solving a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a politician? It's a guy who will legislate the ways everyone can make love but he doesn't know any girls.
Q: When does a person decide to become a journalist?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as a politician.
A libertarian said in conversation: "Three of my legislators have died successively while in office."
"Really, that's unusual. how did the first one die?" his friend said.
He ate poisonous mushrooms.
And how did the second one die?
He ate poisonous mushrooms.
And the third?
He died from a bashed in skull.
How did that happen?
He wouldn’t eat the poisonous mushrooms.
What do you call a handcuffed politician? Trustworthy.
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? one. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
The usual follow up to "Journalists are the ones who come in after the battle and bayonet the wounded" is: Politicians are the ones who follow the journalists and strip the bodies.
A totalitarian socialist invades the country and goes up to the first people he sees (a politician and a journalist) and says "I'm a totalitarian socialist and I just invaded to destroy your economy. What do you think about that?"
The journalist replies "I don't think, I just write what the politician thinks."
And the politician glances about furtively and says "What would you like me to think about that?"
A journalist sees a politician riding up on a new bicycle. So he stops the politician and asks where he bought the bike. The politician says "The funniest thing happened. A beautiful woman was pushing her bike past me, when suddenly she stops, takes off all her clothes and tells me to take what I want!!!!" And the journalist says to the politician, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway!!"
A lawyer, a doctor and a politician are all applying to become government agents. They have passed all tests but the final one. All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the person sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, and sees a little girl blindfolded in a chair. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The lawyer is told he failed the test and can not become a government agent.
Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the person in the room. The doctor goes into the room, sees the little girl sitting in the chair blindfolded. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can not become a government agent.
Finally the politician is given a gun and is told to execute the person in the room. The politician goes into the room and the people outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot of rustling and banging. Finally the politician comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."
Three politicians walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: "Here's to 59!" After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: "Here's to 59!" This happens again and again. Finally, the bartender asks the politicians what the significance of the toast is. "Well," said one of them, "we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!"
"And that's a big deal?" asked the barkeep.
"You bet," said the same politician, "the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!"
A surgeon, an accountant and a politician were arguing about which of them was
practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said "God created Eve from Adam's rib. Obviously, God is a surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession." The Accountant protested, "Before God created Eve from Adam's rib, He created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows that God was an accountant before He was a surgeon. Accounting, then, has to be the oldest profession." The politician sat for a moment wryly smiling, looking at the surgeon and the accountant. "That may be true," the politician said shrugging his shoulders, "but who created the chaos?"
A newly elected politician spends a week at his new office with the politician he is replacing. On the last day the departing politician tells him that he has left two envelopes in
the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis that might cost him the next election, and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.
Three months down the track there is a major drama, - the usual stuff - and the politician feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off the hook.
Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message
inside says "Write two envelopes".
What do you call a journalist with half a brain? gifted.
Why did the journalist put his press card in the front window of his car? So he could park in the handicapped spaces!
Q. What do journalists do when they are constipated? A. They use a No.2 pencil.
True Tales of Winnie: There is a common misunderstanding about an anecdote regarding Winston Churchill. Winnie was said to have retorted “Madame, I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober.” Usually the retort goes to a lady who is described as a “socialite.” Apparently, the lady was actually a socialist, and that overlooked fact gives an added philosophical meaning to Winnie’s remark (though Braddock was said to have a homely face, and was from a poor, working class background). Thus, the more accurate version of the anecdote is:
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two at dinner parties, and on one such occasion he was seated next to Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist Parliamentary representative of the House of Commons and a prominent member of the Labor Party. Churchill and Braddock were having heated conversations during the evening. Finally, Braddock, in exasperation said, "Winston, you're drunk." To which Churchill rejoined, “Madame, I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober.”
Winston was in one of the many well-appointed lavvies of the house, relieving himself of some of his excess liquid one day, when Aneurin Bevan entered. Winston immediately huddled into the corner of the urinal, presenting his back to the socialist chappie.
"Come along there, Winston boyo," he chuckled. "We've all got the same thing, look you."
But Winston knew better. "I know you," he growled through his cigar. "You socialists. Soon as you see something big and successful you want to nationalise it."
I suspect that Winston Churchill would have enjoyed this (though I extend my apologies just in case).
A wealthy investor appears before the local governing body and says “If I promised to operate a sports team locally, would you be good socialists and build me a socialized stadium?” All of the elected officials nod gleefully and say “Yes, Sir!”
Then the wealthy investor says “Well, would you be good socialists and build me a socialized facility if I promised to operate a nude dance establishment?” A look of shock comes over all of the elected officials, and they scream “What do you think we are?!?!”
The wealthy investor says “Well, we’ve established that you are socialistic prostitutes. Now we’re just haggling over the details.”
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
Why do sports nerds need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a sports fanatic than for someone else? When its time to regress back to his childhood, he's already there.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent sports fanatic? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Q. What is the difference between a football and a sports fanatic?
A. The football goes farther when you kick it.
Libertarians favorite salad: Lettuce alone.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T- square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3
cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and
said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on half the paper and half off, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed, that was brilliant.
Two IRS agents have just tackled and arrested a tax resister. On the way back in the car one IRS agent asked the other, "Have you read Marx?" The second agent replies "Yes, on my knuckles. I should have worn sap gloves."
Two journalists are discussing a glowing article they are writing after just finishing a sit-down interview with a famous socialist. One reporter asked the other, "Have you read Marx?" The second reporter replies "Yes, they must be from the wicker chairs."
While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St.Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and grins menacingly.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"
A few quotes from P.J. O'Rourke:
Distracting politicians from 'their business' is like distracting a bear
from eating your children.
Politicians are wonderful people, so long as they don't meddle in things
they don't understand -- such as working for a living.
Politicians are ditch carp in the river of democracy.
A mugger just practices freelance politics.
Concerning immigration, what does Pat Buchanan think he is -- Sioux?
I would rather someone try to 'buy me' rather than coerce me.
Politicians will take anything -- but responsibility.
|The court case of Frank Herbert Wonschik v.
U.S., argued that the jury selection process was impermissibly tainted
by the trial judge's request that all potential jurors stand and recite
the Pledge of Allegiance prior to jury selection. Furthermore, that bias
also transgressed the Establishment Clause and the Free Exercise Clause
of the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. http://rexcurry.net/pledgewonschik.html