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LAUGHTER
IS THE BEST MEDICINE
From
http://rexcurry.net/humor.html
The
liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . .
and
think 25 to life would be appropriate. (from Leno)
Q: Have
you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order
anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for
it.
(from Conan O'Brien)
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch
with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. Leno
Q: What's
the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A:
One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats
to
society. The other is for housing prisoners. Letterman
Q:
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of
the
ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A:
America! Fallon
Q: What was the most positive result of the
"Cash for clunkers"
program?
A: It took 95% of the
Obama bumper stickers off the road.
Letterman
.....................................
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from
grazing.
Why do sports nerds need
instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they
forget what happened.
Why is
psychoanalysis quicker for a sports fanatic than for someone
else? When its time to regress back to his childhood, he's
already there.
What's the difference
between Big Foot and an intelligent sports fanatic? Big Foot
has been spotted several times.
Q. What
is the difference between a football and a sports fanatic?
A. The football goes farther when you kick it.
I suspect that Winston Churchill would have enjoyed this (though I
extend my apologies just in case).
A wealthy
investor appears before the local governing body and says “If
I promised to operate a sports team locally, would you be good
socialists and build me a socialized stadium?”
All of the elected officials nod gleefully and say “Yes,
Sir!”
Then the wealthy investor says
“Well, would you be good socialists and build me a
socialized facility if I promised to operate a nude dance
establishment?” A look of shock comes over all
of the elected officials, and they scream “What do you think
we are?!?!”
The wealthy investor says
“Well, we’ve established that you are socialistic
prostitutes. Now we’re just haggling over the
details.”
Libertarians favorite salad: Lettuce
alone.
Q: How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None. The invisible hand of the market will take
care of it. What are you, a socialist?
How many politicians
does it take to screw in a light bulb? one. He just holds it up
there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
*****************
What
did Soviet Socialists use before they had candles?
Answer:
electricity.
Q: How many Soviet Socialists does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use candles.
Q. How many Soviet Socialists does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I can't tell you because that is
an official government secret.
*****************
There are two novels that can
change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings
and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders
a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an
emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal
with the real world. The other, of course, involves
orcs.
.....................................
A
capitalist was hiring big men to be loggers and chop down big
trees in a forest. A small man applied and the capitalist asked
him what experience he had in logging. The small man said "I
worked in the Sahara Forest."
The capitalist said "You
mean the Sahara Desert?"
The small man said "Yeah,
sure now it is!"
..................................
A
man was walking with his dog when a deadly poisonous snake bit the
dog. The man frantically called his veterinarian on the cell phone
and explained the dire mishap. The vet tried to calm the man and
explained that although the bite is deadly without treatment, the
man just needs to rush the dog in for a $2000 procedure that is
100% effective. A look of shock comes over the man's face as he
ends the call and looks down at his dog laying on the ground
wimpering. The dog asks "what did he say?! What did he say?!"
The man says to the dog, "The vet said you're gonna
die."
For more jokes see
http://rexcurry.net/humor.html
......................................
One
afternoon the socialist leader of country that no longer exists
(USSR) was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
roadside eating grass. Pretending to be disturbed, he ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one
man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't
have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We
have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come
with me to my house and I'll feed you," the socialist
said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with
me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring
them along," the socialist replied.
Turning to the
other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring
them all, as well," the socialist answered.
They all
entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor
fellows turned to the socialist and said, "Sir, you are too
kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The socialist replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place. The grass is almost a foot
high!"
***********************
A lobbyist for
republican-socialists was trying to increase the size of
government but couldn’t obtain the vote of a needed
legislator because that legislator would only increase government
for a lobbyist for democrat-socialists.
One day the
republican went to the lobby where the democrat would ask the
legislator for more government, and the republican lobbyist stood
on a nearby balcony and yelled to the democrat lobbyist “Hey,
you can’t suck that legislator’s dick like that out
here!”
Well the democrat looked up and said
“What are you talking about?” and the republican said
“Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake.”
The next
day, the republican went to the lobby where the democrat would ask
the legislator for more government, and the republican stood on a
nearby balcony and yelled “Hey, you can’t suck that
legislator’s dick like that out here!”
Again,
the democrat looked up and said “What are you talking
about?” and the republican said “Oh, I’m sorry,
my mistake.”
Well, on the third day the democrat saw
the republican lobbyist about to go up to the balcony, and the
democrat said “Why do you keep yelling out that I am sucking
my legislator’s dick?” The republican said “I’m
sorry, but from up there it really looks like you are sucking his
dick. You should go up and see.” So the democrat went
up to the balcony and yelled to the republican “Hey, you are
right, it really does look like you are sucking his dick!!!!!”
The republican did not respond.
********************
I
took my children out of public schools because of religious
differences. Public schools think they are God and I
don't.
What is the difference between the Bible and the
human brain? The first was created by man, the second was not.
(Often delivered as: What is the difference between the Bible and
the human brain? The first was created by man, the second was
created by God).
Some politicians are alive only because
it's illegal to kill them.
D.C. is the insane asylum for
the U.S.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get
you.
I attended government schools; do you want fries with
that?
*********************
Did you here about the
cemetery tour to graves of famous politicians so that victims can
relieve themselves upon the mounds? One tourist remarked
about a still undead politician “When that slimebag finally
receives his involuntary transfer to a warmer clime, they'd better
bury him in an unmarked and unknown grave -- I know too many
people who want to christen it. I've got first
dibs.”
********************
IDEAL WEIGHT
Q:
What is the ideal weight of a politician?
A: About three
pounds, including the urn.
HOW ONE SLEEPS
Q: How does a
politician or reporter sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and
then he lies on the other.
AFTER THEY DIE
Q: What do
politicians & reporters do after they die?
A: They lie
still.
POTHOLES
Q: What's the difference between
politicians and potholes?
A: People don't usually run over the
same pothole more than once.
OOPS
Q:
How do you know when your government is becoming a police
state?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking
leech anymore.
The lawyer advises the prospective client:
"Paying my fee will also help as evidence of our insanity
defense."
As the Court prepares for jury selection,
the defendant says to his lawyer, "What did the judge mean
when he said he'd try to scrounge up a jury of my peers?"
In court, the attorney says to the Judge: "Your
Honor, unless the defendant comes up with another $500, we rest."
Lawyers closing argument to jurors: "My client is an
enigma. An innocent man who, according to the facts of the case
appears to be absolutely guilty."
At sentencing, the
Defendant explains to the Judge: "Judge, I thought I was
guilty until my lawyer straightened me out on that."
The
inmate says to his cellie, "I had a court-appointed lawyer.
What I needed were some court-appointed witnesses."
STAMP RECALL
The Post Office just recalled their
latest stamps. They had pictures of politicians on them, and
people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
CRAVINGS
Q:
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future
journalist?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for
baloney.
BLINDS DRAWN
As the politician slowly came out
of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the
blinds drawn, doc?" "There's a big fire across the
street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to
think the operation was a failure."
I.Q.
Q: What do
you call a politician with an IQ of 50?
A: President.
ONE
EVERY HOUR
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of
politicians? He threatened to release one every hour if his
demands weren't met.
VULTURES
Q: What's the difference
between a politician and a vulture?
A: The politician gets
frequent flyer miles.
STOPPING A BUS
Q: How many
politicians does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never
enough.
HARROWING DIVORCE
A man took a trip out west
after another harrowing election season. He stopped in a bar, and
after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Politicians
are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up,
"Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
TOXIC
WASTE
Q: Why does California have the most politicians in the
country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New
Jersey got first choice.
CROSSING THE ROAD
Q: Why did
the journalist cross the road?
A: He saw a politician on the
other side.
HYENAS
Q: Why don't hyenas eat
politicians?
A: Even hyenas has some dignity.
VAMPIRES
Q.
What's the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A. A
vampire only sucks blood at night.
TAKING IT WITH YOU
A
stingy old politician who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't
take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the
old socialist finally figured out how to take at least some of his
money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the
bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then
directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed. His plan—when he passed away, he
would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven. Several
weeks after the funeral, the deceased politician's wife was up in
the attic cleaning and found the two pillowcases stuffed with
cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew
he should have had me put the money in the
basement."
ARMADILLO
Q: What's the difference
between a dead armadillo in the road and a dead politician in the
road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the
armadillo.
********************
How are an apple
and politicians alike? They both look good hanging from a
tree.
If a republican-socialist and an democrat-socialist
were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
What do you
call 25 republican-socialists and democrat-socialists buried up to
their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
What do you
call skydiving republican-socialists and
democrat-socialists?
Skeet.
What do you throw to a
drowning politician?
His co-workers.
What's brown and
looks really good on a campaigning democrat-socialist or
republican-socialist? A Doberman.
What's the
difference between a republican-socialists, a democrat-socialist
and a mosquito?
One is an insect, the other two are
blood-sucking parasites.
********************
A politician
was seated next to Little Rex on the plane when the politician
turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger." Little Rex, who had just opened his book,
closed it slowly, and said to the politician, "What would you
like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said
the politician. "How about national identification?"
"OK," said Little Rex. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A
horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you
suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the
politician. "I have no idea."
"Well!,"
said Little Rex, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss national identification,
-when you don't know
shit?"
********************
A lobbyist for
democrat-socialists was trying to increase the size of government
but couldn’t obtain the vote of a needed legislator because
that legislator would only increase government for a lobbyist for
republican-socialists.
One day the democrat went to the
lobby where the republican would ask the legislator for more
government, and the democrat lobbyist stood on a nearby balcony
and yelled to the republican lobbyist “Hey, you can’t
suck that legislator’s dick like that out here!”
Well the republican looked up and said “What are you
talking about?” and the democrat said “Oh, I’m
sorry, my mistake.”
The next day, the democrat went
to the lobby where the republican would ask the legislator for
more government, and the democrat stood on a nearby balcony and
yelled “Hey, you can’t suck that legislator’s
dick like that out here!”
Again, the
republican looked up and said “What are you talking about?”
and the democrat said “Oh, I’m sorry, my
mistake.”
Well, on the third day the republican saw
the democrat lobbyist about to go up to the balcony, and the
republican said “Why do you keep yelling out that I am
sucking my legislator’s dick?” The democrat said
“I’m sorry, but from up there it really looks like you
are sucking his dick. You should go up and see.” So
the republican went up to the balcony and yelled to the democrat
“Hey, you are right, it really does look like you are
sucking his dick!!!!!”
The democrat did not
respond.
*******************
A bureaucrat from a
government agency to protect children decides to investigate horse
back riding even though the bureaucrat has no prior experience or
lessons and will plunge ahead unassisted. She mounts the horse
with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs
into
motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the bureaucrat begins to slip from the saddle. Out of
shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to
get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's
neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping
rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away
from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as
her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As
her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from
unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart
manager, runs out to shut the horse off.
|
RIDICULE
IS A GREAT WEAPON
News outlets reported that the CIA has actually used
unloaded guns for torture and mock executions. So, the following
story is based on actual events, somewhat. The CIA's use of
unloaded guns for torture and mock executions comes from the CIA's
hiring system. to wit:
A few years ago, a lawyer, a doctor
and a politician all applied to become CIA agents. They passed all
tests but the final one. This is what happened next:
All
three are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First, the
lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the
person sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, and
sees a man blindfolded in a chair. He leaves the room saying
he could not shoot him. The lawyer is told he failed the test and
can not become a CIA agent.
Next the doctor is given a gun
and is told to execute the person in the room. The doctor goes
into the room, sees the man sitting in the chair blindfolded. He
leaves the room saying he could not shoot the man. The doctor is
told he failed the test and can not become a CIA agent.
Finally
the politician is given a gun and is told to execute the person in
the room. The politician goes into the room and the CIA people
outside the room hear the "click" of a gun hammer on an
unloaded gun. After this they hear a lot of hollering, and
struggling. Finally the politician comes out and says, "someone
gave me an unloaded gun so I had to choke him to death."
A
similar scene appears in one of the Jason Bourne (Ultimatum?)
movies starring Matt Damon. Also see comedic treatment in
Ben Stiller's "Starsky and Hutch."
For an idea of
what it is like to work for a government agency see Warren Beatty
in the "Parallax View" (1974).
For more
Libertarian humor see
http://rexcurry.net/humor.html
From
the same web page, here is an image of another CIA threat using a
dog, an unloaded gun and a mock
execution
http://rexcurry.net/dog4.jpg
..........................
You
can lead a reporter to a story, but you can't make him
think.
"Why is television (or the print media)
called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well-done."
What
is black and white and red all over? your daily newspaper.
Q:
What is the definition of an politician?
A:
Someone who claims to solve a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand.
Q: What is the definition of an
journalist?
A: Someone who writes about a
politician solving a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become a
journalist?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to
succeed as a politician.
What do you call a handcuffed
politician? Trustworthy.
The usual follow up to
"Journalists are the ones who come in after the battle and
bayonet the wounded" is: Politicians are the ones who
follow the journalists and strip the bodies.
A libertarian
said in conversation: "Three of my legislators have died
successively while in office."
"Really, that's
unusual. how did the first one die?" his friend said.
He
ate poisonous mushrooms.
And how did the second one die?
He
ate poisonous mushrooms.
And the third?
He died from a
bashed in skull.
How did that happen?
He wouldn’t eat
the poisonous mushrooms.
A totalitarian
socialist invades the country and goes up to the first people he
sees (a politician and a journalist) and says "I'm a
totalitarian socialist and I just invaded to destroy your economy.
What do you think about that?"
The
journalist replies "I don't think, I just write what the
politician thinks."
The journalist and the
other totalitarian both look at the politician for a response. The
politician glances about furtively and says "What would you
like me to think about that?"
What's the definition of
a politician? It's a guy who will legislate the ways everyone can
make love but he doesn't know any girls.
A journalist sees a politician riding up on a new bicycle. So he
stops the politician and asks where he bought the bike. The
politician says "The funniest thing happened. A beautiful
woman was pushing her bike past me, when suddenly she stops, takes
off all her clothes and tells me to take what I want!!!!"
Followup punchline to above: And the journalist says to
the politician, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit
anyway!!"
Three politicians walk
into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and
make a toast: "Here's to 59!" After downing their beers,
they order another round and make the same toast: "Here's to
59!" This happens again and again. Finally, the
bartender asks the politicians what the significance of the toast
is. "Well," said one of them, "we put a 1,000-piece
jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!"
"And that's
a big deal?" asked the barkeep.
"You bet," said
the same politician, "the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!"
A
surgeon, an accountant and a politician were arguing about which
of them was
practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said
"God created Eve from Adam's rib. Obviously, God is a
surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession." The
Accountant protested, "Before God created Eve from Adam's
rib, He created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows
that God was an accountant before He was a surgeon. Accounting,
then, has to be the oldest profession." The politician sat
for a moment wryly smiling, looking at the surgeon and the
accountant. "That may be true," the politician said
shrugging his shoulders, "but who created the chaos?"
A newly elected politician spends a
week at his new office with the politician he is replacing.
On the last day the departing politician tells him that he has
left two envelopes in
the desk draw and that the envelope
number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis
that might cost him the next election, and envelope number 2 if a
further crisis occurs.
Three months down
the track there is a major drama, - the usual stuff - and the
politician feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the
parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first
envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does
this and gets off the hook.
Three months
later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The
message
inside says "Write two envelopes".
What do you call a journalist with half a brain? gifted.
Why did the journalist put his press card in the front window of
his car? So he could park in the handicapped spaces!
Q. What
do journalists do when they are constipated? A. They use a
No.2 pencil.
True Tales of Winnie: There is a common
misunderstanding about an anecdote regarding Winston Churchill.
Winnie was said to have retorted “Madame, I may be drunk,
but you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober.”
Usually the retort goes to a lady who is described as a
“socialite.” Apparently, the lady was actually a
socialist, and that overlooked fact gives an added philosophical
meaning to Winnie’s remark (though Braddock was said to have
a homely face, and was from a poor, working class background).
Thus, the more accurate version of the anecdote is:
Churchill
was known to drain a glass or two at dinner parties, and on one
such occasion he was seated next to Miss Bessie Braddock, a
Socialist Parliamentary representative of the House of
Commons and a prominent member of the Labor Party. Churchill
and Braddock were having heated conversations during the evening.
Finally, Braddock, in exasperation said, "Winston, you're
drunk." To which Churchill rejoined, “Madame,
I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be
sober.”
Winston was in one of the
many well-appointed lavvies of the house, relieving himself of
some of his excess liquid one day, when Aneurin Bevan entered.
Winston immediately huddled into the corner of the urinal,
presenting his back to the socialist chappie.
"Come along there, Winston boyo," he chuckled. "We've
all got the same thing, look you."
But
Winston knew better. "I know you," he growled through
his cigar. "You socialists. Soon as you see something big and
successful you want to nationalise it."
I suspect that Winston Churchill would have enjoyed this (though I
extend my apologies just in case).
A wealthy
investor appears before the local governing body and says “If
I promised to operate a sports team locally, would you be good
socialists and build me a socialized stadium?”
All of the elected officials nod gleefully and say “Yes,
Sir!”
Then the wealthy investor says
“Well, would you be good socialists and build me a
socialized facility if I promised to operate a nude dance
establishment?” A look of shock comes over all
of the elected officials, and they scream “What do you think
we are?!?!”
The wealthy investor says
“Well, we’ve established that you are socialistic
prostitutes. Now we’re just haggling over the
details.”
Four men were bragging
about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer,
the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the
fourth was a government worker.
To show off,
the engineer called to his dog. "T- square, do your
stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some
paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his
dog and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3
cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the
chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog
and
said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up,
walked over to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was
pretty
impressive.
Then the three men
turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog
do?" The government worker called to his dog and said,
"Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped
to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on half the
paper and half off, sexually assaulted the other three dogs,
claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance
report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's
compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed, that was
brilliant.
**************************
Two IRS agents
have just tackled and arrested a tax resister. On the way
back in the car one IRS agent asked the other, "Have you read
Marx?" The second agent replies "Yes, on my knuckles. I
should have worn sap gloves."
Two journalists are
discussing a glowing article they are writing after just finishing
a sit-down interview with a famous socialist. One reporter asked
the other, "Have you read Marx?" The second reporter
replies "Yes, they must be from the wicker
chairs."
*******************
A DEA agent,
together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as part of a task force,
arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. The agents tell the
rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally
grown drugs."
The old rancher says, "Okay, but
don't go in that field over there."
The DEA agent
verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of
the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear
pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to
the farmer. "See this badge, this badge means we are allowed
to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers
given. Have I made myself clear, do you understand?"
The
old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later,
the rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running
for their lives and close behind is the rancher's notoriously
ill-tempered and territorial bull. With every step, the bull is
gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The
old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence
and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your
badges! Show him your
badges!"
........................................
While
walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit
by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met
by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says
St.Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a
problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the
politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from
higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell
and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend
eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want
to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm
sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter
escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who
had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening
dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about
the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the
people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is
a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling
jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he
realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug
and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up,
up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp
and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes
it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well
then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The politician reflects
for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have
said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts
him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle
of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and grins
menacingly.
"I don't understand," stammers the
politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at
him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today
you voted for us!"
**********************
A few
quotes from P.J. O'Rourke:
Distracting politicians from
'their business' is like distracting a bear
from eating your
children.
Politicians are wonderful people, so long as they
don't meddle in things
they don't understand -- such as working
for a living.
Politicians are ditch carp in the river of
democracy.
A mugger just practices freelance
politics.
Concerning immigration, what does Pat Buchanan
think he is -- Sioux?
I would rather someone try to 'buy
me' rather than coerce me.
Politicians will take anything
-- but responsibility.
********************
"Since
we all create our habitual reality-tunnels, either consciously and
intelligently or unconsciously and mechanically, I prefer to
create... the happiest, funniest, and most romantic reality-tunnel
consistent with the signals my brain apprehends. I feel sorry for
people who persistently organize experience into sad, dreary and
hopeless reality tunnels, and try to show them how to break the
bad habit, but I don't feel any masochistic duty to share their
misery..."
Robert Anton
Wilson
*********************
A
lawyer, a doctor and a politician are all applying to become
government agents. They have passed all tests but the final one.
All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First,
the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute
the person sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room,
and sees a little girl blindfolded in a chair. He leaves the
room saying he could not shoot her. The lawyer is told he failed
the test and can not become a government agent.
Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the person
in the room. The doctor goes into the room, sees the little girl
sitting in the chair blindfolded. He leaves the room saying he
could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can
not become a government agent.
Finally the
politician is given a gun and is told to execute the person in the
room. The politician goes into the room and the people outside the
room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot of rustling and
banging. Finally the politician comes out and says, "someone
put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."
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